Having been through countless years of depression a large part of that I can really only blame on myself. I can sit there wishing that my older wiser self could turn back the hands of time and change things, even to tell my younger self what I know now. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason and my recent downfall was largely due to my lack of self-esteem by putting myself down thinking negative thoughts that triggered anxiety, only one thing can result from negativity and that is failure.
The past 10 years of my life have perhaps been some of the toughest periods I have gone through, although if there is anything I can take from those bad experiences is that I learned a valuable lesson and experience I otherwise wouldn’t have had. Over that period there were certain things that made me think negatively of myself but never quite had it in me to acknowledge those problems, instead they fell wayside to the back of my mind, perhaps it was a belief that I never felt good enough or I just hadn’t found the right person, although deep down those certain things were niggling away at me at the back of my mind and instead of putting myself first, I put others before me. Subconsciously I never quite realised what I was doing, I was too caught up in feelings to acknowledge it, that feeling when you feel you’re not worthy enough, subconsciously seeking validation of another to make you feel content.
The bad experiences I went through that caused me a lot of hurt and pain caused me grief, not having the ability to see much of the value in myself as others may have, my mind was too over clouded by negative thoughts, I suppose after a while you get used to it and think that this is just the way things are meant to be, you are aware that you are the problem but you never stop to think of change, subconsciously you’re unaware that you’re not tackling the real problem and that is by setting goals to put straight what has been killing you.
Last year was a very difficult year, it was more or less the final straw of a chapter in my life. Unfortunately I allowed my mind to run rampant and with the slight manipulative behaviour I was facing from that girl I stupidly fell for it, this is what happens when you are vulnerable after so many years and already have self-doubt in your mind. After telling her I liked her to facing rejection on several occasions I tried remaining friends with that person from February, 2016 right up till October, 2016. The friendship came to an abrupt end and all of this because of my depression and anxiety, when I look back and reflect over my behaviour I feel ashamed of myself for having stooped so low, I know that if I had my self-esteem I wouldn’t have given them an inch over me.
In my head the meaning of concentrating on yourself wasn’t clear, I never truly understood, therefore I never had the direction. When you are subconsciously trapped by your negative thoughts and feelings you don’t realise what you are doing. Before the meaning of concentrating on myself was letting time be the healer and just accepting myself for the way I was despite thinking low of myself, the trouble was subconsciously being co-dependent of others validating to lift my self-confidence. This is also something I am very much ashamed of myself for because I pride myself in being someone who stands out from the crowd and speaks my own mind and does my own thing, I guess however when you become vulnerable after so many years of pain you fall short of your potential and end up down that slippery slope.
The end of that friendship last year was something much needed and was somewhat thankful over time that it was over, it was painful for several months but sadly I hadn’t realised that I was falling into the same trap with someone I became friends with and thought she really liked myself. The anxiety stemming from self-doubt and all the negative thoughts sadly led to the demise and sad to say she probably hates myself now,
that was the tipping point, something told me ‘enough is enough, gone through too much it’s time to tackle the roots of this problem and kill it once and for all.’ It is for this reason that despite all the trials and tribulations I have been through I can look on the brighter side and say that if it wasn’t for that I wouldn’t be as resilient as I am now.
One night I decided to post some random things on Facebook, one relating to my personal issues and a friend from the United States recommended me to a book called ‘Psycho-Cybernetics’ by Maxwell Maltz, I was already researching videos on YouTube seeking for answers and reading articles and blog posts on Google like I usually do, a means to try and put an end to the suffering however it didn’t quite give me the answers I was really needing. As soon as my friend recommended the book I immediately went on Amazon UK and ordered the book for next day delivery. As soon as the book came through the door the next day I immediately sat down and began reading, there was this new spark in me of determination, I suppose because once you’ve went through too much you desperately want to put a stop to it and get to a stage where you can feel great about yourself again.
Having read more than half the book now I can safely say that the book ‘Psycho-Cybernetics’ was worth every penny. There were a lot of things of common sense in the book that you perhaps may not have sat and thought about to yourself, but when you read over such things it strikes you and gives you an insight into how your mind works and where you are going wrong. An example of this was the explanation that we have the power to control our minds and the reason we feel the way we do is because of the thoughts in our heads. In other words it is those thoughts that trigger the feelings, not the other way around. Another example of that simple common sense that is explained that really gives you an insight are the thoughts themselves, if they are negative thoughts, who is to say those thoughts are true? In fact most often the case the thoughts and ideas in our heads are merely made up, they’re false, it’s not the reality.
This dawned on me, I sat and thought long and hard about that, I thought about the things I was told but my negative thoughts created a blockade refusing to accept that as truth, instead it built up false images only to cause negative behaviour that triggered negative feelings. Having read a great deal of Psycho-Cybernetics thus far I now find myself battling with those negative thoughts that occasionally prop up and instead of accepting my thoughts as gospel like it’s the truth, that reminder from the book questions those negative thoughts and feelings.
I won’t lie, I still have a hard time sometimes from day to day where the occasional thought may prop up and cause hurt, but it is now down to myself to sit and reframe my mind.
One notable thing I picked up from one of the earliest chapters of the book was a task to think back of periods in the past where I felt good about myself as the positive thoughts trigger good feelings. Also I read somewhere a question of what specific things were that make you feel low about yourself, it wasn’t until I took the time to ask myself that question, grabbed pen and a notebook and began scribbling and listing down those very things, one thing stood out and that was my appearance, not feeling good about my weight that has been a burden on me for the past 10 years. As soon as I identified one of the main problems I put the book down and immediately set my mind on my target and that was to get my gym membership and make it my goal to get fit again. I have never felt so determined as I do now including eating healthier foods, cutting out the sugar, eating low calorie foods and watching and limiting my portion sizes.
Is it a coincidence that I gained weight in 2007 and now finally have that determination to get back fit and lose weight in 2017 a whole 10 years later?
My ultimate goal is to reach the stage where I can feel great about myself and say I love myself and instead of wallowing in the past from failures I now feel more determined than ever to bounce back and prove I’m worth of very high value, for that I not only couldn’t recommend that book ‘Psycho-Cybernetics’ enough, I have a lot to thank the author as it has given me new light to changing my life. It is also thanks to the many great minds out there on YouTube who have covered specific topics that opened my mind and helped so greatly such as Leo of Actualized.org who has provided amazing content, without all that resource I wouldn’t be where I’m at today. Now I am on the road to recovery with every belief I’m bouncing back stronger than ever.