Throughout my life I have faced many trials and tribulations, everyone faces their problems in life, some more so than others. Through much of my youth I wrongly got hung up on one girl I really liked who didn’t like me back, it was a very difficult thing to handle and I’m sure many people know what it feels like. Unfortunately this would remain the story of my life. If there is one thing I have learned more recently when I look back throughout all the years of those tried and testing times is that time maybe a healer but you mustn’t let that be the only healer. Being young and inexperienced wasn’t so much a bad thing, in fact if it hadn’t been for all the tribulations I had gone through I wouldn’t be as wise as I am today.
Having gone through those years of tribulation in my youth leading up to my late teens the biggest mistake I made was seeking solace in another girl, this unfortunately didn’t go down too well, I was told distance was an issue I let the negativity take over my mind and unfortunately lost it through depression and anxiety. If I could only turn back the hands of time to tell my younger self what I know now I would have saved myself a lot of bother. It was painful to accept because it played on my mind blaming myself, thinking negatively which was tough. At that time being told by others around me “you’ll find someone and when she finds you she’ll be a lucky girl.” I don’t know what to think of that, it’s a nice compliment of course but sometimes I was left questioning that.
Again, I’m left thinking why on earth did I seek solace by trying to find another? Unfortunately I was left vulnerable after all that, one girl played on that, showed a great deal of interest in me, or so I thought, I sat thinking ‘finally someone likes me for who I am as a person’ only to have my world crash down before me a year later discovering that to her it was all one big joke. At least the previous girl had the moral decency to tell me straight and honestly of her situation. The actions of that one girl left me hurt and somewhat angry as all she could do was laugh it off.
Time was certainly a healer, it took me time to get over that of the past, I was in my late teens and perhaps this was the only rest bite I had. I had gotten over those of the past and there was the certain feeling of emptiness and perhaps loneliness, although I knew one thing for sure, I was happier than where I was.
I was always a very active person, out playing football at every given opportunity with friends, doing things I enjoyed and that short period of my life was perhaps the opportune moment to change my life, although from that experience the loneliness got the better of myself. There was always the constant reminder of ‘so and so’ in a relationship, I always thought “what is it about them that makes them so special and what is wrong with me?” Strangely enough I asked myself that question because when I looked in the mirror that small part of me had strong self assurance of my character, I knew my strengths and weaknesses and was able to speak pridefully of it genuinely despite what I had been through and only till after leaving school had I began to change appearance and felt good about the way I look.
Time should not be the only healer and although I still had a certain level of self-assurance and confidence in me it wasn’t enough as the past experiences left me with distrust and a certain level of self-doubt. In 2003 I fell for someone whom I could never have, no different to the times before left lying in my own bed crying my heart out wishing for all the pain and thoughts to disappear. I always quietly prayed to God to put an end to all of what went through my head, but now when I think about it, if it had not been for what I went through I wouldn’t be as wise as I am today. I felt 2003 was one of the hardest times
in my life because I felt it was a never ending cycle and the constant reminders of her didn’t help me in the slightest. Back then I had flashes in my head of wanting to kill myself, taking a knife to my own throat or hanging myself, but the other side of me knowing I’m a fighter I refused to give in.
I was not knowledgeable but kept the belief within me that it was just my misfortune and kept the belief that I would eventually find someone. As you will see there is a repetition, I could sit and sulk and blame myself for it but I rise above it. It was around this time my head started to wander, dreams that perhaps my love interest maybe elsewhere in this world, always had admiration for foreign girls, especially American. The hope I had was unrealistic, one whom I thought liked me I fell for, but my mind wasn’t all there, she lived across the other end of the world in Washington state and then shortly thereafter once having gotten over that I fell for another American from Ohio. My fault was letting my imagination run wild and unable to see the bigger picture that she was unfortunately the other end of the world and was all wishful thinking that it just wasn’t to be. The close chance of meeting her in person with the hope of making things go somewhere I began to realise these unrealistic chances aren’t healthy.
In 2007 at the age of 23 I began to put on weight and this badly affected me and my self-confidence. I guess after so many years of pain and disappointment you begin to lose faith and hope. I eventually got over that and finally came across someone who took great interest in me, someone I would wake up smiling knowing I had someone I liked and into a relationship. Everything happened so fast and was a sexual relationship, however it came to an end over something stupid online over an argument. When she left me it devastated me and it took me a long time to get over her. The saying goes ‘you don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone’ remains so true.
My self-confidence crashed through the roof, felt so low about myself and I would argue 2007 was the beginning of what really beat me down. A year after the breakup I met someone else interested in me, the belief that my life and luck was beginning to change but that unfortunately was not the case.
I entered a relationship with the girl I met however it was sadly an on off relationship due to her lack of trust, she herself faced too many problems in life from suffering bipolar depression, anorexia and post traumatic stress disorder from an ex who raped her, I didn’t realise how tough things would be. One thing I can take pride from is the good in my heart, she was 6 stone 7 pounds when I first met her, her doctor, friends and family over 10 years couldn’t get her above 7 stone and with the 1 year I was with her I managed to get her to 9 stone just through showing her care and love. It was very difficult when the relationship finally drew to an end and left with floods of tears and depression not only for my fear of what she may do to herself and blame myself for that, but it was the end of a relationship and chance of me settling with someone I loved.
I could go on about the years afterward such as the one girl I became friends with who I admired and respected but thought nothing other than friends whom I met through a documentary film we were both in ‘We Are Northern Lights’, but I lost the plot and when she blocked me it was a cold hard reminder of my past, this was sadly to repeat itself a few times more and sadly the one girl whom I liked was from another country who was heavily interested in me, the problem being, she couldn’t accept me for being who I am, I wanted her to so badly.
Last year was the tipping point, the end of a chapter in my life that led to destruction. If I had my self-confidence I would have removed her from my life with ease, but instead having been manipulated and led on to believe of her interest, as soon as the rejection began I should’ve ended the friendship there, I sadly never and it led to months of nothing other than torture. I sit here thinking ‘why did I do that to myself?’ Then again I wasn’t in the same mindset.
After all those years of doubt, I am sad to say that the following girl I met end of last year at meetings turned resentful of me and blocked me from her life all because of my own anxiety and depression that allowed negative thoughts to destroy at least the friendship I had with her. If only I took the action after the months of torture to begin concentrating on myself things were too sudden with the girl I met recently whom I thought liked me in
some way, I was vulnerable and only have myself to blame.
After losing contact with that person I was growing friendship with whom I really liked I decided enough was enough, there has been too much I’ve let myself down and for too many years now, I lost a large part of my self-confidence when I gained weight in 2007 and only till now 10 years onward that I finally feel driven to put an end to it all and finally lift myself back up to the stage where I feel great about myself again.
I began reading a book a friend recommended to me from the United States called Psycho-Cybernetics, much of which I will cover separately for another post, but the little things I picked up on it began to make sense to me, to realise the power we have over our mind. As I mentioned, time cannot be the only healer, I now know the true meaning of what it means to properly concentrate on yourself and without realising it before hand things were muddy, my mind wasn’t so clear. What I can say is, when you look back into your past and target what exactly it is that makes you feel down about yourself, it is then when you set goals to put an end to it you feel resilient and that is precisely what I aim to achieve this year getting my fitness levels back to where I should be to be able to feel content with myself again.
I could sit and wallow over all the trials and tribulations of my past or I can stand and fight and prove, not to others but myself that I am worth it, maybe, just maybe then my life will change dramatically.